“I don’t want to go to school!”
Summer flew by and it's time to settle into the routines of being back in school. As an educator, I love learning and teaching. I love the idea of school and never imagined my very own children would ever resist it! But here we are. I have children who do enjoy school but still very much whine about having to go every day. Have you heard the “I don't want to go to school” whine yet? Have you wondered why your child would ever say “I hate school?!”
Let’s get curious about the root of this statement and how we can respond. Let’s pause for a minute and explore what it could mean. It could mean…
I don’t know what to expect.
It is hard work.
I am tired.
I don’t get to do what I want.
The schedule is different. My new teacher does things differently than my teacher last year.
I hate that I have to sit still for so long.
Lunch time is loud and there are lots of smells.
I don’t know how to make a new friend.
I don’t trust my teacher yet so it feels scary and unsafe.
I don’t get to talk whenever I want and I have to walk in a line. It’s weird.
I am excited about school but I don’t like the way the butterflies in my tummy feel.
I don’t want to get dressed. When I stay home with you, I can wear my favorite pajamas longer.
I love spending time with you. I love our snuggles and when YOU take me to the playground. I would rather stay home with my trusted, safe adult than go to school.
What it most likely DOESN’T mean
I need you to spend the entire morning arguing with me about why I have to go to school.
I need you to convince me I actually do love school.
I need you to physically force me into the car.
I need you to allow me to stay home.
I need you to call my teacher and tell her I hate school.
So here are some things you can do to prioritize connection with your child at this moment when they are telling you how much they do not want to go to school.
Pause. Repeat. Plan.
It might go like this -
Child - “I do NOT want to go to school!”
Parent - (Take a breath. PAUSE. Literally say nothing. Count to ten in your head if you need to. The point is to keep yourself calm and regulated in the midst of this unexpected moment)
Parent - (repeat) “You do not want to go to school.”
Child - “NO!” (crying)
Parent - (pause and repeat) “I hear you saying you don’t want to go to school today. Today is a school day.”
At this point your child might move into problem solving mode, they might get louder, or they might offer more insight that could help you determine what they are really expressing/maybe why they don’t want to go.
Parent - (repeat and plan) “I hear you. You don’t want to go to school today. I wonder if (insert suspected reason) maybe you are feeling tired. What if we bring your favorite stuffed animal in the car? You can snuggle it on the way to school then put it in your backpack and snuggle it again as soon as I pick you up?”
The “plan” could be any way to connect with your child during the transition to and from school. A special hug or thing you say to each other. A promise of a favorite snack, game, activity at pick up time. A special handshake, dance, song, or prayer. A matching color, bracelet, or sticker that you both wear to be reminded of each other during the day.
The “plan” can also be informed by the suspected underlying reason for the child not wanting to go to school if you have enough information. It could involve you as the adult getting up earlier the next morning to be sure you’re not feeling rushed/late, it could be planning ahead in the evening so bedtime can be moved 30 minutes earlier for the first month of school until your child has had time to transition or it could be you compromising and offering more support for them in the morning, such as dressing them or assisting them with getting all of their things to the car, fewer demands to decrease the stress and anxiety placed on your child.
Often our young children do not have the tools to effectively communicate their needs, desires, or ideas in the midst of stress. Often as adults we struggle to understand what our children are actually communicating or we simply respond to their words rather than dig deeper to recognize they are stressed. When we practice empathy and attempt to respond respectfully to our children, rather than react to their stress, it can deepen our connections and create more calm in our home environment and in the difficult transition back to school.